Ratchetesque

RECIPE: After Sex Waffles

yes i did.

this is a quick and easy recipe that you can make in less than 15 minutes after some good, vigorous lovin…provided you still have a little energy ;) This is a “lazy” recipe, so use your favorite waffle recipe or mix…I used this mix by Stonewall Kitchen (it’s my favorite mix ever) but use whatever you have. This recipe is delicious and perfect for snuggling up in bed and eating together after a long, hot n heavy session. They make look like regular waffles, but the surprise is inside…there’s an occasional bite of chocolate accented with a tiny bit of cinnamon and fresh vanilla beans, then there’s the salty bite of the pancetta (or bacon) mmmm. Sooooo yummy, and perfect for sharing then falling asleep in each others arms….or gettin it on again <3

Waffles

• *your favorite waffle mix or recipe* (I used Stonewall Kitchen and it makes 2 belgian sized waffles or 3 to 4 regular sized waffles)
  

Add-in’s:

• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 pinch of cinnamon
• 2 tbsp chocolate chips (i used Ghirardelli milk chocolate chips)
• 1 vanilla bean (optional, if you’re not using a vanilla bean, add 1/2 tsp more of vanilla extract)

toppings:

• softened butter (i used whipped butter)
• fresh strawberries or raspberries (i used strawberries)
• whipped cream (i made fresh homemade whipped cream with 1 cup cold heavy cream, 1 1/2 tbsp granulated sugar, 1/2 tsp vanilla extract. whip on the highest speed until soft peaks form — you can use the shit in the can if you want)
• 1 tsp chopped bacon or pancetta pieces (optional - i used pancetta)
• warm maple syrup

Directions:

1. Prepare the waffle mixture according to their respective recipe directions. Fold all add-in ingredients into your waffle batter without overmixing and cook according to your waffle iron’s instructions.

2. Top with softened butter and lightly drizzle warm maple syrup all over the waffle. If your maple syrup is warm it will soak in beautifully without making the waffle soggy. Top with your strawberries, whipped cream and bacon or pancetta pieces, grab 2 forks and eat this in bed with your loved one.

3. Have more sex if you feel like it ;)

#nomnomsafely ;)

RECIPE: Sugar-crusted Vanilla Bean & Cinnamon French Toast

ok i know i said i wasn’t gonna post anymore recipes on THIS tumblr, but this was so good i didn’t wanna wait. this is a french toast recipe that would be perfect for dessert or whenever you wanted a sweet treat. it’s decadent as all get out, and it almost takes on a custardy texture. i can’t really describe it, but it’s heavenly. served with fresh berries gives it a nice tart contrast to the sweetness, plus extra flavor.

Warning: this will cause your house to smell like The Lord’s living room. I’m not even kidding. The aroma from this french toast is unreal.

this recipe makes about 4 servings

ingredients:

• 4 thick slices of day old bread
• 3 large egg yolks (you can save and freeze your egg whites for later use)
• 1 cup heavy cream (can use milk or half & half)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp granulated sugar
• 1 vanilla bean
• 2 tbsp butter
• extra granulated sugar for sprinkling on top later

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1. heat your broiler

2. in a shallow dish, whisk together egg yolks, heavy cream, vanilla extract, cinnamon, sugar, and vanilla bean until smooth. mixture should be creamy and luscious.

3. place day old bread into dish, and soak. with day old bread i usually soak mine for about 3 minutes per side. artisan bread is tougher so it can hold up, and once it soaks up all that delicious batter, it becomes incredibly moist, soft, and tender without being mushy or soggy. if your bread is fresh, you should probably only soak it for a few seconds per side. if your bread is super hard and crusty, soak it even longer.

4. meanwhile, melt 2 tbsp of butter into a skillet over medium/medium-low heat.

5. once the butter starts to foam and bubble, gently place your slices into the pan and let cook for about 3 minutes per side. with the edge of your spatula, take a peek to see what the color looks like. if it needs more time to cook and develop a color you’re satisfied with, allow it. don’t jack up the heat, you wanna take your time to ensure the bread is fully cooked thru so you don’t have a wet, eggy french toast. finally, flip over and allow the other side to brown.

6. meanwhile, line a baking sheet with foil.

7. place each slide of your french toast on the foil-lined baking sheet, and sprinkle with granulated sugar. a very thin layer, folks..don’t get all diabetic with this. just make sure it’s a thin even layer.

8. place under your broiler on the middle rack, until sugar starts to get happy and crystallize somewhat. do not take your eyes off this, because depending on your oven, this could take several seconds or several minutes. it took mine about 3-4min to get to a point i was happy with.

9. remove from oven and arrange on a plate served with fresh berries and warm maple syrup. you could also give it a tiny dash of powdered sugar for appearances but nobody really cares.

10. eat that shit.

enjoy ;)

Dinner for 2: Parmesan Crusted Chicken, Roasted Asparagus and Three-cheese Ravioli in a Shiitake Cream Sauce

This will be the last recipe I post on this tumblr. I’m moving all of my food-related stuff to a new blog very soon so keep an eye out.

**Timing tip: coat the chicken first, and stick in the fridge while you do everything else. then start on your sauce mixture as this takes the longest to cook out of all three elements. once the sauce starts to get thick, cook your chicken and asparagus — these will cook for about the same amount of time. this way everything is ready to be eaten and nothing is cold.

Three Cheese Ravioli:

1 9oz pack fresh three-cheese ravioli (usually in the dairy dept.)

*alternatively, you could use frozen, but you’d have to boil it first, so if you are short on time, try the fresh stuff, it cooks super quickly

Parmesan Crusted Chicken:

• 2 chicken breasts, flattened to about 1/2 inch thick
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1/2 cup Panko breadcrumbs (you can use italian breadcrumbs instead)
• 3/4 cup Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, grated
• 1 egg, beaten w/ a little milk or water
• Seasoning - kosher salt, lemon pepper, granulated garlic or garlic powder, dried parsley, dried oregano, lemon-pepper

Season the chicken on both sides. Allow the seasoning to penetrate the meat for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, mix together the Panko and cheese together. Add dried parsley, dried oregano, granulated garlic (or garlic powder), black pepper. You don’t need to add salt to this because the cheese holds a considerable amount of saltiness already, but if you do add salt, please don’t get all hypertension with it.

Arrange 3 shallow dishes/bowls next to each other, with flour in the first dish, the beaten egg in the second dish, and the panko/cheese mixture in the last dish. 

(This can get messy so you can use a fork for the next steps)

Coat one piece of the seasoned chicken in the flour on both sides and shake off the excess.

Dip the flour coated chicken into the eggwash, on both sides, and let the big globs drip off for a second or two.

Toss the eggy/floury chicken into the panko/cheese mixture. Press the panko/cheese mixture into the chicken well so that it’s evenly coated. 

Repeat with the next piece.

Place into the fridge for about 10 minutes. This allows the crumb coating to really adhere to the chicken so that it doesn’t fall off in the hot oil.

When ready to pan fry, drizzle a very thin layer of extra virgin olive oil and 2 tbsp of butter into a skillet over medium high heat. Once the butter starts to foam and bubble up, this means it’s hot enough to fry.

Gently place your chicken into the skillet and cook until golden brown on both sides, about 3-5min per side.

Drain on paper towels and lightly season with a little salt while it’s still very hot.

Serve immediately.

Roasted Asparagus:

• 1 bunch of asparagus
• Extra virgin olive oil (the good stuff, if possible)
• 2 to 3 tbsp butter
• Salt, pepper, granulated garlic (or garlic powder)

Preheat oven to 450

Chop off the last 3 inches of your asparagus.

In a foil-lined baking sheet, arrange your asparagus in a flat layer. Drizzle with olive oil and top with tiny pieces of the butter.

Sprinkle salt and pepper over the asparagus and place into the hot oven for about 7-10 minutes. The result will give tender yet firm asparagus. You can cook yours longer if you like a softer asparagus. 

Remove from oven and serve immediately.

**You can also drizzle a little lemon juice or zest over the asparagus for added flavor.

Shiitake Mushroom Cream Sauce

• 1 heaping cup shiitake mushrooms, sliced
• 1 large shallot, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, chopped
• 3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 3 tbsp butter
• 2 1/2 cups heavy cream (a little over half a quart)
• 1/2 to 3/4 cup parmigiano-reggiano cheese, grated
• Dried herbs: parsley, oregano, basil
• Salt, pepper, etc.

In a large skillet over medium heat, drizzle in olive oil. Once olive oil is heated, add butter. When butter is bubbly/foamy, add chopped shallot and let sweat for about 3 minutes.

Add sliced shiitake mushrooms, season with salt and pepper. Allow this to cook until mushrooms are softened, about 10 minutes.

Add garlic and let cook for an additional 5 minutes. Be careful not to burn garlic, if it starts to toast too quickly, reduce the heat.

Add heavy cream, cover and bring to a rapid boil.

Reduce heat to medium/medium low for a slow simmer for about 5 minutes. Keep it covered.

Add fresh ravioli and stir until evenly coated. Cover and continue a soft simmer until sauce coats the back of a spoon or is starting to coat the sides of the skillet. The fresh ravioli will cook very quickly and doesn’t need to be boiled first. The starch from the pasta will also help thicken the sauce up. Taste and season accordingly. Once the sauce is perfectly thickened yet still very creamy, sprinkle in cheese, stir and remove from heat. Let sit for about 2-5 minutes to get happy.

Arrange all items on your plate and eat that shit ;)

RECIPE: Bacon Swiss Mushroom Burger w/ a Garlic Aioli

I seriously didn’t wanna share this recipe because it’s that good LOL. But, you guys who’ve tried my recipes so far seem to really enjoy them, so why not? I made these for July 4th, and the moment I bit into it, I think I came a little. Incredible. Best burger I’ve made, in my own humble opinion. The shiitake’s are amazing, I kept eating them alone lol. They have so much flavor, I wouldn’t recommend using boring button mushrooms. The garlic aioli REALLY sets this off you guys, so don’t leave it out. I personally do not put ketchup on my burgers. I like to create an actual burger patty that is so incredibly flavorful and juicy that you don’t need to mask it behind the cheap sweetness of ketchup. Some burgers are so bland that they need ketchup, but this aint one of’em ;) Try to let go of your ketchup dependency lol…

This will make between 6 to 8 burgers

You’ll need:

• Steakhouse patties (recipe below)
• Onion rings (recipe below)
• Garlic Aioli (recipe below)
• Crispy bacon
• Swiss cheese
• Sauteed shiitake mushrooms (recipe below)
• Soft vienna rolls or standard boring hamburger buns, toasted with butter

Onion Rings

These onion rings are slightly switched up from the ones I made with the “Big Meech Burger”. I didn’t double coat them, and I used a few other ingredients. These are also very amazing.

• 1 vidalia onion sliced into rings
• 1 qt buttermilk
• 1/2 cup hot sace
• 2 cups of flour
• 3/4 cup corn meal
• 1/2 cup japanese bread crumbs (panko)
• Loads of different seasonings, such as seasoned salt, black pepper, granulated garlic, cayenne, dried parsley, etc. go nuts with this.

——————————————-

In a bowl or shallow dish, mix the buttermilk with the hot sauce well. Should be a lovely shade of pink. Add some seasoning to this mixture. Place the onions into the mixture and make sure they’re covered by the buttermilk. Cover tightly and place in the fridge to get happy for at least 3 hours.

Mix the flour, cornmeal, panko together well. Add a tbsp of dried parsley. Season with whatever you’d like and set aside.

When you’re ready to batter up your onion rings: take them out with a fork (do not pierce them), a dump them into the flour mixture, making sure to evenly and thoroughly coat them. Do this with every onion ring, then place into the freezer to help them set up and prevent your flour mixture from floating off into the oil.

When ready to fry, heat your oil to 375 degrees. Remove the onion rings from the freezer and gently place into the oil and fry until golden brown. Immediately season with salt when you take them out of the oil.

Garlic Aioli:

this is somewhat of a spin on a classic aioli, which uses egg yolk instead of mayo. but mayo is nothing but egg, oil and a few other ingredients anyway, so this is basically the same thing…

• 1/2 cup mayo
• 1 tbsp garlic paste (can use finely chopped garlic)
• 1 pinch of granulated garlic
• 1 tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice
• 1 tsp lemon zest
• Salt, pepper, dried parsley, dash of cayenne

——————————————-

Combine everything and mix well. Let chill in the fridge for at least an hour.

Sauteed Shiitake Mushrooms:

Even if you think you hate mushrooms, you will LOVE these. They take on a very delicious smokey, almost bacon’y flavor that is unreal. I bought my shiitake’s already cleaned and sliced. DO NOT clean these with water, they will soak it up like a sponge and will ruin everything. If you don’t know how to clean mushrooms, please google.

• 2 cups of sliced shiitake mushrooms
• 1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
• 3 to 4 tbsp extra virgin olive oil (the good stuff, it makes a difference)
• 2 to 3 tbsp butter
• Salt, pepper, onion powder, and any other seasonings you’d like

——————————————-

Heat the olive oil and butter in a skillet over medium or medium-high heat. Once the butter starts bubbling up, add your mushrooms. Season them. Allow this to sautee for about 4 minutes, then add the worcestershire. Continue to sautee until they achieve a beautiful color. Taste one and see if it needs anything. I let mine cook for about 10-15 minutes before I turned off the heat.

Steakhouse patties:

• 1 lb ground beef (at least 80/20 for a juicy burger)
• 1/4 cup steak sauce (such as A1)
• 2 to 3 tbsp worcestershire sauce
• 2 tbsp heavy cream
• 1/4 cup seasoned bread crumbs
• Drizzle of extra virgin olive oil for added moisture
• Seasoning (I used McCormick’s Montreal Steak seasoning, kosher salt, granulated garlic, onion powder, cayenne, a little dried parsley — use whatever you have)

————————————————

To the ground beef, add the worcestershire, steak sauce, heavy cream, extra virgin olive oil, seasoning and bread crumbs. Gently mix and make sure everything is incorporated well. Cover and let this marinate for at least an hour in the fridge.

After marinating, form your patties. I recommend keeping these humbly sized. They will shrink a little when cooked, so keep that in mind.

In a skillet over medium-high heat, cook your patties — flipping just once and DO NOT PRESS the patties down with your spatula. Cook for about 10 minutes. Patties will be juicy and flavorful. Set aside.

Assembly:

Butter and toast your buns.

Spread a layer of the garlic aioli on the bottom half of your bun, place a patty on top with a slice of swiss cheese and stick under a hot broiler just until the cheese starts to slightly melt. Don’t leave it under there for long, and definitely don’t walk away.

Once the cheese starts to melt down, immediately remove from the oven with a pair of tongs. The residual heat will continue to melt the cheese.

Place some of the mushrooms on top of the melted cheese, followed by 1 or 2 onion rings, then the bacon.

Spread more garlic aioli on the other half of the bun close it up.

Eat that shit and enjoy your orgasm.

RECIPE: Vanilla Lime Whipped Cream w/ Grand Marnier

I’m making strawberry shortcakes tomorrow, and will probably throw some blueberries on it as well just to be patriotic. This is a really yummy whipped cream perfect with fruit. The lime adds something beautiful to it, but you can switch this recipe up by using the zest of different fruits such as lemon, orange or grapefruit varieties instead of lime.

• 1 cup cold heavy cream
• 1 vanilla bean
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp Grand Marnier (orange liqueur)
• zest of one lime (or about 2 tbsp)
• confectioners sugar to taste

————————————-

In a stand-mixer (or handheld mixer), pour the heavy cream into the bowl and set the mixer to the highest speed. Allow the heavy cream to whip for about 2 minutes, then add the vanilla extract. Let it continue to whip until it starts to form soft peaks, then add the contents of one vanilla bean and the zest of one lime. Don’t whip it for too long or it’ll turn into butter lol.

Once it’s a consistency you’re happy with, fold in your desired amount of sugar — start out with small amounts, taste and repeat as necessary. I use a shaker full of powdered sugar and sprinkled it in, I find that this prevents the cream from flattening. Once it’s sweetened to your liking, slowly stir in the Grand Marnier and give it a good gentle stir. Transfer to a container and let it sit in the fridge for a while so all of the flavors can just go fucking nuts.

Eat that shit.

RECIPE: Breakfast Eggrolls & Seasoned Fried Potatoes

I was laying in bed, and really wanted a breakfast burrito. Then I saw a commercial on tv about some area buffet and they showed an entire spread of different foods. I spotted some eggrolls and said “Welp!”

These are FULLY customizable. The beauty of eggroll wrappers is that damn near everything tastes amazing in them. I don’t give measurements this time around because this is one of those things you can make for just yourself, 2 people, or a whole family.

First things first, heat your oven to 350, and your deep fryer to 375.

I started on the potatoes first…

Seasoned Fried Potatoes

*Wegmans carries small bags of pre-washed redskinned potatoes in a steamable bag. I picked one up, threw it in the microwave for about 5 minutes. If you don’t have these in your store, just get a few small potatoes, clean them well and stick them in the microwave under a damp paper towel and zap for a few minutes.

Remove all of the potatoes and slice them into quarter size pieces. They will be just about cooked thru. You don’t wanna cook them ALL the way thru, because they will continue cooking once they’re fried. You just wanna give them a headstart so they won’t be gummy out of the hot oil. Toss the potatoes in a bowl and season them up. I used garlic powder, salt, pepper, cayenne, dried parsley.

The potatoes will be kinda sticky/starchy, and should hold your seasoning very well, even after frying them. After seasoning, stick them in the fridge to chill out while you prepare everything else.

**You don’t have to fry your potatoes, if you wanna roast them in the oven, toss them with a little olive oil and let them do their thing.

Breakfast Eggrolls:

• Eggroll/wonton wrappers (the larger sheets, alternatively, you could use springroll wrappers)
• 1 egg, beaten to help seal the eggrolls
• Filling (what i used is below)
• Salsa
• Sour cream

Filling:

• Breakfast sausage, cooked and crumbled
• Peppers, onion and chiles
• Seasoning (salt, pepper, cayenne, cumin, and whatever else your little heart desires)
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp butter
• Fresh chopped cilantro

Cheese eggs:

• Eggs (however many is up to you, I used 2 whole eggs and 1 egg yolk)
• Splash of milk or cream for the eggs
• Salt, pepper
• Butter
• Cheese (I used cheddar)

——————————————————

To prepare the sausage/peppers/onions:

Sautee diced onion, peppers and chiles over medium heat with 1 tbsp of butter and 1 tbsp of olive oil.

Season this mixture generously with salt, pepper and whatever else you’d like.

Allow this to cook down for about 10-15 minutes, or until softened.

Add the raw sausage to the mixture and allow that to cook down until no longer pink. Break up the sausage with your spatula so they’re in bitesize pieces. When that’s done, set aside in a separate dish.

To prepare the eggs:

Crack your eggs into a bowl, add a splash of milk and tiny bits of butter. Season with salt and pepper and whisk up.

Melt 1 tbsp of butter into your skillet over medium-low heat. Once your butter is melted, add your eggs and reduce the heat to low.

Slowly scramble the eggs, gently. Once they’ve set up a little, add your cheese and fold the eggs over. I purposely undercooked my eggs by about 3 to 5 minutes because I knew they’d cook even further once rolled up and deepfried. So make sure your eggs are soft, not too hard.

Remove from heat and mix with your sausage and pepper mixture. I tossed in about a tablespoon of fresh chopped cilantro and mixed around.

Taste this mixture. If it needs more of anything, add it now.

Now the fun part — assembly:

Take one eggroll wrapper, and turn it diagonally. Place a SMALL scoop of your egg/sausage/whatever filling about 2 inches from the corner edge. DO NOT OVERFILL. Flip that corner over your filling and gently tuck and roll 1 or 2 times until half of the wrapper is rolled up. You then want to pinch both sides of the filling, and fold them over to create an envelope/pocket kinda thing. brush the remaining edges with a lightly beaten egg, roll up and seal tightly. OR, FUCK WHAT I JUST SAID, AND WATCH THIS VIDEO TUTORIAL.

Once all of your rolls are sealed, cover them with a damp paper towel and stick’em in the fridge for a few minutes while you fry your potatoes.

Add your potatoes to the fryer and let them cook until crispy and golden brown. As Drain from the basket, and season with salt! Transfer them to a line-foiled baking sheet and stick them in a 350 degree oven to keep warm and crispy while you fry your eggrolls.

Place your eggrolls in the fryer and allow them to fry for about 5-6 minutes or until golden brown. Try not to put more than 4 rolls in the oil at a time.

Allow them to drain from the basket. Plate and serve with the fried potatoes, sour cream and salsa and eat that shit.

Dinner: BELT (bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato) & Savory Cheese Grits

*for the eggs: I used 2 whole eggs and 1 additional egg yolk, with tiny flecks of butter stirred into the raw eggs, with a tiny drop of heavy cream, salt and pepper and a generous sprinkle of cheddar cheese…scrambled super slowly over low heat — best fucking eggs ever. the key is low and slow.)

RECIPE: Savory Cheese Grits

• 1 cup water
• 3 slightly heaping tbsp grits (i used the 5min kind)
• 3 tbsp butter
• 1 tbsp heavy cream (can use half/half or milk)
• 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese (i often use parmigiano-reggiano, and it’s amazing)
• salt, cayenne pepper, onion powder, granulated garlic, dried parsley

————

pour one cup of water in a small saucepan over high heat. toss in 2 tbsp butter, and TINY TINY pinches of the seasonings. you can ALWAYS add more, so PLEASE use the most bitch ass amount you can possibly use at FIRST. you can be more generous with the dried parsley though ;)

allow that to come to a soft boil. just as it starts to come to a hard boil, add your grits. immediately reduce the heat to medium-low, and stir stir stir! make sure its all smooth, then cover. but be careful, it’s still very hot and may boil over so watch it. alternatively, you can leave the lid off until it adjusts to the lower temperature. you want a rapid yet gentle boil before you cover.

check every 3 minutes, stirring and tasting. adjust the seasoning to your liking at this point.

reduce the heat to low.

cover and continue to let cook for at least 20 minutes, stirring and tasting every few minutes. right as it starts to thicken up, add your heavy cream. stir stir stir. let that cook an additional 5 minutes, then add your cheese. stir stir stir, taste, season if need be (but you shouldn’t have to). once the cheese is incorporated, add one more tbsp of butter and stir thru. remove from heat and leave uncovered for about 5 minutes.

give one final stir and pour into a bowl.

top with just a tiny bit more butter and eat that shit.

the grits will be smooth, creamy and fucking lovely. letting them cook slooowly for at least 20-30 minutes has always been why i am one of the few, who loooooves the fuck outta some grits! this will also thicken as it sits.

no sugar, that’s just foul and fucked up!

RECIPE: Vanilla Bean Cupcakes

This just may be my favorite vanilla cupcake recipe. I changed it up just a bit, and I’m extremely happy with the results. The frosting is fucking amazeballs. If you’re a fan of vanilla bean everything, and you do this right, you’re going to love these. The vanilla flavor is incredible and very intense.

Adapted from BrownEyedBaker

makes about a dozen cupcakes — depending on the size of your cupcake tins/holders.  I had enough batter for about 6 additional cupcakes.

• 1½ cups all-purpose flour
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1½ teaspoons baking powder
• ½ teaspoon table salt
• 1 stick unsalted butter (room temperature)
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1 large egg (room temperature)
• 2 large egg yolks (room temperature)
• 1½ teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 vanilla bean

—————————————————-

Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Line standard muffin/cupcake tin with paper or foil liners.

Sift together flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt in bowl of standing mixer fitted with paddle attachment. Quickly and on the lowest speed, mix around to make sure everything is evenly distributed.

Add softened butter, sour cream, egg and egg yolks, vanilla and vanilla bean caviar (split the vanilla bean down the middle with a sharp knife, use the back of the knife to scrape the yummy beans out); on medium speed (start w/ the slowest first or the flour will fly) beat for about 30 seconds or until mixed together. Scrape down sides of bowl with rubber spatula and mix by hand until smooth and no flour pockets remain. I quickly placed my finished batter in the fridge for about 5 minutes before the next step, just to firm the butter up slightly.

Remove from the fridge and divide the batter evenly in the little paper or tin cupcake thingies. Bake for about 20 minutes (no longer than 24) or until lightly golden or toothpick comes out clean.

Remove the cupcakes from tin and cool at room temperature before you frost them. I let mine chill for a good hour before I frosted them — it’s cold as fuck in my apartment lol.

Vanilla Bean Buttercream Frosting:

• 1 stick unsalted butter (room temperature)
• 2½ cups powdered sugar
• 2 tbsp heavy cream or milk (optional)
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 vanilla bean

—————————————————-

In a food processor, pulse the butter until creamy and smoothed out — about 5 quick pulses. Add 1 cup of the powdered sugar and pulse for about 5-10 seconds. Add the remaining sugar, pulsing for another 5-10 seconds. Add vanilla extract. If mixture starts to crumble up (like mine did), SLOWLY drizzle in about 2 tbsp of heavy cream (or milk) until it smooths out. You don’t want it runny, you just want it smooth. Finally, add the delicious scrapings from 1 vanilla bean and pulse until evenly distributed — about 10 seconds.

I made the buttercream first and kept it in the fridge while preparing the cupcakes. Remove from the fridge about 10 minutes before you frost your cupcakes so that it’s a little softer to work with.

Frost your cupcakes.

Eat that shit.

RECIPE: “Big Meech Burger”

truth be told, i don’t even know who the fuck “Big Meech” is. i do however, like the name “big meech” because it makes me laugh. i meant to make this burger last weekend for Father’s Day, but i got home from NC so late i didn’t have time. this was also my first time making homemade onion rings and they were fucking amazing. i gathered the basic “how-to” knowledge a few years ago but never attempted to make them because i was always afraid the coating would separate once it hit the oil. but i used my brain and figured out a way to prevent that from happening.

I know this looks like a lot of shit, but it’s a very simple recipe that any novice can recreate. 

Knowing i’d be cooking around noon, I woke up at 8am and got everything started. I marinated my onion rings, burger meat, and bbq mayo 3 hours in advance.

You’ll need:

• 4 to 6 big meech patties (recipe below)
• Crunchy fried onion rings (recipe below)
• Buns brushed with herb & garlic infused oil
• Boston Lettuce (or lettuce of choice)
• Tomato (I used beefsteak)
• Spicy BBQ Mayo (recipe below)
• Cheddar cheese slices (or cheese of your choice)
• Bacon (i didn’t use bacon today because I was entertaining a muslim guest LOL, but if his ass wasn’t here, I woulda put some bacon on that bitch)

*crunchy fried onion rings:

• 1 to 2 vidalia onions
• about 2 cups flour
• 1 to 2 tbsp baking powder
• 1 qt cold buttermilk
• 1/2 cup corn meal
• 1/2 cup panko (japanese breadcrumbs)
• Seasoning: i used garlic salt, cayenne, black pepper, granulated garlic, dried parsley, paprika, onion powder. i did not measure these seasonings, i just eyeball’d it. please use your best judgement.

Slice your onions into 1/2” rings. season them with a tiny bit of everything that you’re using. place into a shallow dish so that they’re all laying flat. gently pour your buttermilk in the dish and cover with plastic wrap. put it in the fridge for at least an hour, i let mine marinate for about 3 hours before the next step…

(marinating the onion rings in buttermilk allows them to tenderize and also gives them a nice flavor)

after marinating the onions:

in another shallow dish, mix the flour, baking powder and cornmeal together well. season you flour with whatever you wish, and mix well. in a separate dish, toss in your japanese breadcrumbs.

after your onions have marinated, remove them with a fork from the buttermilk mixture to the flour and coat it well. then dip it back into the buttermilk mixture again, then back into the flour. you’re basically double dipping here. it can get messy so either use a fork or your fingers. after it’s nice and coated, toss into the japanese bread crumbs. don’t press, you’ll remove the flour mixture, just lightly coat it with the bread crumbs. if you don’t have japanese bread crumbs, you can honestly skip this because they’ll still come out bomb without it. do this for each ring, then lay them flat on a sheet pan and place into the freezer for about 20 minutes. freezing them will help the flour/breadcrumb mixture hold better and not separate into the oil when you’re frying them.

when ready to cook: take your onion rings out of the freezer (they should only be in there a good 20 minutes). gently place into your fryer and let cook until golden brown. this should take about 5-7 minutes. keep an eye on it. when they’re done, immediately season with salt while they’re hot. drain on paper towels. if you’re not going to eat them right away, place them on a foil-lined baking sheet and stick’em in the oven to keep them warm. they’ll stay crispy until you’re ready to eat.

*big meech patties:

• 1lb ground beef (or turkey) — i used about 1 1/2lbs of ground beef 80/20
• 1/4 cup bbq sauce
• 1/4 cup heavy cream
• 1/4 cup italian bread crumbs (to bind the meat, otherwise it’ll be DUMB tender and fall apart)
• splash of worcestershire sauce
• olive oil
• various seasonings

with clean hands, season your ground beef with the seasonings of your choice. add the remaining ingredients. ldon’t overmix, you’ll toughen the meat. allow this to marinate at least an hour. i let mine sit in the fridge for about 3 hours.

when it’s time to cook the burgers: use either a frying pan, griddle, or grill pan for your burgers. Form your patties and cook them on medium high heat. DO NOT PRESS YOUR BURGERS WITH YOUR SPATULA! you will lose all of that delicious juiciness and dry them out. Flip just once time! You should be able to tell when they’re done. It’ll take about 8 to 10 minutes to cook all the way thru. Turn off the heat and place your cheese on top of the burger and cover. the steam will melt the cheese. I would be careful putting them on a grill because they’re extremely tender, esp if you went OD on the bbq and worcestershire sauce — so for this reason, try not too. the sugars in these ingredients just help break down the meat.

sweet-n-spicy bbq mayo:

• 1/2 cup mayo
• 1/2 cup bbq sauce (I used Sweet Baby Ray’s)
• 1 tsp dried parsley
• 2 to 3 tbsp spicy mustard (i used French’s Horseradish mustard)
• cayenne pepper, granulated garlic, salt, whatever other seasonings you’d like. go nuts.

Mix together, refrigerate for at least an hour. spread on your buns before you assemble your burger.

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Once it’s time to cook…

Heat the oil in your deep fryer to 375. Heat your oven to about 350.

Fry your onion rings…keep them in the oven to keep’em crispy while you cook your burgers.

**I used “Soft Vienna Rolls” from Wegmans as buns. I brushed them with an herb-infused garlic oil and sprinkled the tops with just a TINY bit of garlic salt. I put these in the oven with the onion rings to let them get nice and toasty on the outside and deliciously warm and tender on the inside. You can use standard hamburger buns, it’s up to you.

Assemble your burgers and eat that shit.

I served alongside fries tossed with a little salt and granulated garlic…they were bomb yo…

RECIPE: Vanilla Bean Cheesecake

this is fucking bomb. my favorite go-to cheesecake recipe, and very tweakable.

Adapted from Tyler Florence. There is a video to walk you thru it if it’s your first time making cheesecake.

Ingredients:

• 1 pound cream cheese, 2 (8-ounce) blocks, softened
• 3 eggs
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 pint sour cream
• 1 lemon, zested
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract
• 1 vanilla bean (or 2)

Cinnamon Graham Cracker & Pecan Crust

• 2 cups finely ground cinnamon-graham crackers (about 30 squares)
• 1/4 - 1/2 cup ground toasted pecans (optional)
• 1 stick unsalted butter, melted

Topping??:

put whatever the fuck you want on your cheeescake. i love fresh strawberries that have been sitting in a little raw sugar for a few minutes, splashed w/ a little vanilla extract. bomb. for this particular cheesecake, i didn’t put any fruit on my first slice because I wanted to taste it alone and make sure it was bangin…and it was…of course ;)

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Directions:

Follow these directions from Tyler.

I did it this exact way line for line. The only thing I did differently was add 1 vanilla bean (you can add 2 if you like it to be very vanilla’y). Also and most importantly, his original baking time of 45min was not enough for me. I had to cook mine for about an hour, but it depends on your oven. Please take note of this!

And as always, eat that shit ;)

RECIPE: Lasagna Rolls

This is a modified version of my very own lasagna recipe, I took out a lot of complicated things I didn’t feel like explaining because I want you to learn how to cook the same way I did — taking a basic recipe and making it your own. So yea, this is my recipe but you can use it as a starting off point to get creative and add in whatever you’d like, k? If you ALREADY have a fabulous lasagna recipe, use it! Just build lasagna rolls instead of traditional lasagna. I prefer lasagna rolls because they’re easier to eat, perfect serving sizes, great for sharing and they’re cute lol. I don’t use jarred pasta sauces, but if you don’t feel comfortable making your own or are short on time, then feel free.

You’ll need:

• 1 pack fresh lasagna (in the refrigerator aisle)
• Cheese filling
• Meat filling
• Tomato sauce

Cheese Filling:

• 1 16oz container ricotta
• 1 cup parmigiano-reggiano cheese, grated or shredded
• 2 cups mozzarella cheese, shredded (plus more for sprinkling on top later)
• 1 cup cheese of your choice (this can be more mozzarella, or maybe provolone, or whatever you’d like)
• 2 eggs
• 1 package frozen spinach, thawed and drained
• fresh parsley, chopped
• fresh basil, chopped
• salt & pepper to taste

Meat Filling:

• 1 lb italian sausage (can use ground beef, turkey, chicken or mushrooms)
• 1 shallot, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, chopped
• dried herbs (optional, however i used dried parsley, basil and oregano)
• salt, pepper and other seasonings to taste, such as granulated garlic, etc.
• 2-3 tbsp olive oil
• 1-2 tbsp butter

Tomato Sauce:

• 2 28oz. cans crushed tomatoes (San Marzano is best, if you can find it but any brand will work)
• 1 sweet onion, chopped
• 5 cloves garlic, chopped
• chopped fresh or dried herbs (basil, parsley, oregano)
• 1 small 5.5oz can tomato paste
• 6 tbsp butter
• salt, pepper to taste

Preheat your oven to 375.

In a large skillet over medium heat, drizzle the olive oil into the hot pan along with the butter. when the butter stars to foam up, add your shallot. Sautee the shallot until translucent. If your shallot is browning too quickly, turn the heat down. Add a dash of salt and pepper to the shallow to help it sweat and bring out its awesome flavor. Let the shallots cook for about 10 minutes, then add your garlic and dried herbs. If the shallot soaked up the oil, drizzle in a little more. Reduce your heat a bit, then add the italian sausage. Season it with a little salt and pepper and cook until the meat is no longer pink. Transfer the meat to another bowl and set to the side.

In the same large skillet (do not rinse all that yummy stuff stuck to the bottom), over medium-low heat, add 3 tablespoons of butter to help deglaze those delicious lil bits. Sometimes I’ll even add a splash of red wine, which you can do too, but I don’t always do that. Anyway, add the chopped sweet onion and let that cook away until it’s nice and soft, about 15-20 minutes. Season the onion with salt and pepper and dried herbs then add your garlic. Let that cook for about 5 minutes, then add 3 ounces of the tomato paste to the pan. Let the tomato paste cook down for about 3 or 4 minutes, mixing it with the onion, garlic and other yummy shit. Once the tomato paste starts looking less pasty, add your crushed tomatoes — slowly. Stir everything, cover and let come to a hard simmer, then reduce heat to medium low or low. Let this cook for about 20 minutes before you season. Taste it. Add salt, pepper, dried or fresh herbs, or whatever you need to add to make it bomb. Cover the pan and let the tomato sauce simmer over a low heat for about 45min to an hour. Taste it again, see if it needs anything. If after an hour your tomatoes are slightly bitter or super acidic, add about a tablespoon of sugar to offset it. If you use high quality tomatoes, you shouldn’t have that problem though but I realize not everybody has access to dope shit. Once your tomato sauce is fabulous to your liking, turn off the heat and add 3 tablespoons of butter to the sauce and stir it in so that it finishes it off with a nice sheen and richness. Cover and set to the side.

In a big bowl, dump the ricotta and remaining cheeses in. Add your fresh or dried herbs. Add the spinach (as much or as little as you’d like). fold these ingredients together lightly until incorporated. taste it. add salt and pepper and/or other seasonings if you choose. Finally, add in the meat. Add in a little meat at a time because some people like a lotta meat, some don’t, this is totally up to you. In a separate small dish, lightly beat your 2 eggs and then pour that into the cheese and meat mixture. mix well.

In a baking dish large enough to house your rolls, spread a thin layer of your tomato sauce onto the bottom.

Spoon the cheese mixture onto one end of the lasagna sheet and roll it up. Place into baking dish seal side down. Repeat until your dish is full. I cut my lasagna sheets down the middle because they were too long and I wanted to double them. I would’ve ended up with like 6 big ass rolls, so I sliced them to make 12 more suitable servings.

Ladle a generous amount of your tomato sauce on top of your lasagna rolls, cover with aluminum foil. Stab a few holes into the foil with a fork so that the steam can escape, but don’t get all OJ Simpson on your foil, just a few holes. I stab it six times, three on each side lol.

Bake for 30-40 minutes or until the sauce is bubbling and the lasagna rolls are easy to poke with a fork.

Remove from the oven, and sprinkle any remaining cheeses you have on top. I used mozzarella. Put it back in the oven for about 10-15min or until cheese is hot, bubbly and gooey.

Remove from oven and let it rest for about 15 minutes, then what you wanna do is basically eat that shit.

*If you have leftover cheese, freeze it in an airtight container or a freezer bag (remove all the air pls). Do the same w/ any leftover sauce.

if you have any questions, use my Ask box!

RECIPE: Fabulously Lazy Lemon & Vanilla Bean Pancakes

these are amazing. seriously. the vanilla bean and lemon add such a distinct sweetness to the pancakes that you just have to experience. feel free to leave out the lemon if you don’t have it. they’ll still be good as fuck. you can add these ingredients to your own homemade pancake recipe if you prefer, but i for one, did not feel like making homemade batter today…plus i didn’t have any buttermilk. but fuck it. this shit is still bomb.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup pancake mix (i used Hungry Jack Buttermilk mix, the kind you just add water cuz im lazy)
• 1 vanilla bean
• 1 1/2 tsp lemon zest (or the zest from a half a lemon, you can use the whole lemon, it’s up to you)
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• water (how much or how little is totally up to you)
• butter
• maple syrup (the real shit)

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Directions:

heat your griddle or whatever you use to make your pancakes.

In a bowl, toss in your pancake mix. You can use more if you have a larger family to feed or if you’re just a hungry muthafucka.

Toss in the cinnamon and lemon zest.

Take one vanilla bean and split it down the middle with a sharp little knife. use the back edge of the knife to scrape the beans out in one smooth stroke motion. vanilla beans are a little sticky so take your time with this if it’s your first time working w/ them. don’t throw away the scraped up stalk because you can flavor stuff with it, such as liquors and sugars.

Add your water and vanilla extract. mix til all the ingredients come together. don’t over mix. this can lead to tough rubbery pancakes. you want light, fluffy pancakes.

here’s the secret to getting beautiful golden edges…take a stick of butter and peel back the paper about an inch. draw a circle on your hot griddle and immediately pour the pancake batter on top of it. this gives the pancakes a beautiful golden, buttery color and flavor. do this with every pancake. make sure your griddle/pan is hot but not scorching. you will burn the fuck outta your pancakes. when in doubt, cook over medium heat. i use the highest heat setting on my electric griddle though, because it’s the perfect temperature for pancakes.

Flip when you see bubbles…for me, this takes about 2 minutes or so. ONLY FLIP ONCE!!! unless you like a rubbery ass pancake, don’t over-handle them. if you’re unsure of when to flip, gently lift a corner of the pancake and check the color.

Stack, add a little butter to the top of the stack if you want, you don’t have to add much cuz they’re honestly buttery as fuck already…drizzle your warm maple syrup on top and basically eat them shits.